The Battle I've Been Fighting

I've been a bit quiet this year, haven't been posting as much as I'd like, sharing more of my TJ Photography life or own personal life as I normally do. I feel as though it's time for an explanation.

Back in August when I was working like a mad woman on getting my studio open and just a few days before my open house I had this insane inflammation, swelling and pain in my hands. I had previously discovered a dairy allergy that causes pain and inflammation in my body, so we concluded that it was a reaction to dairy in conjunction with the massive amounts of painting, hammering and usage of my hands in the studio. Since I was getting into the thick of my marathon training as well, I avoided dairy like the plague. Fall was a bit of a blur between the marathon, my grandfather's passing and it being the busiest Fall in my business yet.
But with only a minor flare up here or there I didn't notice much. But then 3 days before Christmas I dislocated my shoulder, in my sleep nonetheless. I've dislocated it once before but it healed fairly quickly, this time it did not. I spent two weeks with the pain moving all around my left shoulder area. I concluded that I had just over done it, hadn't given myself enough rest time, etc.

Come January and I was ready for 2017, ready to just slay it this year and excited. But the last three months have been anything but what I envisioned. I've endured pain that has brought me to tears (many times), exhaustion, feeling depressed and very little motivation. I have had days that I can't open my hand due to the swelling and pain in my wrist and hand. There was a morning that my husband found me crawling across the floor from the kitchen to my bedroom because my knee was so inflamed and painful that I could not walk. Days that I couldn't lift my shoulder enough to change  my shirt. This pain is exhausting, pain days are basically  lost days because of the physical and mental toll they have taken on me.  I knew this was something serious, not just a food allergy and last week it was confirmed that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). An autoimmune disease, my body is basically attacking my own joints.

I'm only in the beginning of figuring out what this means for me. RA is different for every person and I am hoping that we have caught it early enough that it hasn't started damaging my joints yet. Although I have had moments of complete devastation, especially when it comes to how, or if at all,  I will be able to incorporate running into my future, I also understand that I can live with this disease and get the pain under control and hopefully in remission. But this will not happen over night and will take time before we get to that point. My sister in law has been living with this for many years and before my official diagnosis we chatted and these words have stuck with me during some of my darker moments "even though you'll have to let go of some things that you once really enjoyed, you will find new things to enjoy and be passionate about. If anything having RA has made me slow down and appreciate a lot about life that I didn't before."

In November and December I was determined to figure out how to slow down and appreciate things more. I was tired of being so "busy".  So in a way, although I never wanted a chronic illness, I'm wondering if this was my path to help me do just those things. I've found that my plans don't always pan out because I never know how I'll wake up and feel. I've missed things that I love like Run to the Pub, runs with friends, going to the State Basketball Game because of pain and the depression that tends to come with it. I have been at my kids events in a state of fog because I'm so tired or in pain that I don't really experience it.  I've sat at my desk for a whole morning basically staring at my computer not motivated or knowing what to do next.

So I've been quiet, forced a lot of smiles, felt like a hermit and considered just closing shop. But I know that's not what I want and not who I am. The morning just a couple of weeks ago when I couldn't open my hand I just kept thinking, "what if I can't take photos anymore? What if some day my hands get so bad I cannot do what I am passionate about?" The first few months of the year are always slower for shoots, this year I've been incredibly busy with Senior orders and designing announcements. My camera also had to go in for repair and it's really occurred to me how much I love being behind the camera! So as I move forward with this new reality and as I learn to live with and manage this disease, I will not let it take these passions away from me. Not my photography at least.  (The running is quite possibly a different story and where I will have to find a new passion).

I am not 100% sure exactly this will affect my business, although I do know that I will focus primarily on my Senior Photography and Families. I will also make a point to shoot for myself, to capture my kids more often again, to take my camera on hikes and complete more personal projects.

I never know how I am going to wake up feeling, I never know where the pain may be tomorrow so I am trying to enjoy the little things more often.  With that, I'd like to challenge myself to do a photo of the day each day that I'll post on Instagram and Facebook...I will do my best to do it daily, to notice an ordinary thing of my day a little differently.

Today's photo, is this. My 4.5 year old loves to hold my hand as we walk, she's headed to Kindergarten next year and is my baby. As my oldest is turning 13 next week, I am just realizing how quickly it really goes and as I watch her exert her independence I sure like having someone that still likes to hold my hand. And also that today my hand will open to hold hers.

And this because I think of this often these days!